


HamilTexts

by Hypeules_NoChilligan (lafbaeyette)



Category: Hamilton - Miranda
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, M/M, Texting
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-12-31
Updated: 2016-02-24
Packaged: 2018-05-10 15:10:38
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 5,924
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5590936
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lafbaeyette/pseuds/Hypeules_NoChilligan
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The Hamilsquad Shenanigans via Text. </p>
<p>Also Known As, a small dump of HamilTexts I started writing. No plot necessarily, yet, just something I've started and felt like sharing.<br/>Who knows what could happen?</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> I've fallen deep into the life of HamilTrash - my first attempt at any Hamilton fic-esque thing. AKA, I just started writing these. Let's see what happens - at the very least, maybe we can all share a good laugh.

Alex: There has never been another like you. I beg I had only been given proper warning before you made off with my heart. I may never find the words to express my love for you in full, but I shall not cease until the day I do. I shall repeat my words a million times until I feel it gives justice to my heart’s ache for you. I shall keep writing until my muscles give out, until my quill breaks, or until I have run the world dry of ink — all of which are likely to occur before I am capable of presenting you, My Dearest Laurens, with the utmost expressions of my love, with the proof of how much I yearn for you, how much my being itches for your touch, or how hard my heart beats at the mere mention of your name. Your Affectionate A Hamilton

JohnLoverns<3: … what the hell did you do this time, Hamilton? 

Alex: … I may have broken your mug— but it was only because I was distracted by the thought of you finally returning to be in my arms once more. 

JohnLoverns<3: Please let me handle the dishes from now on. 

Alex: … But you still love me? 

JohnLoverns<3: Yes, you numbskull. Even your clumsiest ventures couldn’t halt that— You owe me for the mug, though. 

Alex: Do you take payment in form of sexual favors? 

JohnLoverns<3: Alex. 

Alex: ..is that a maybe? 

JohnLoverns: Alexander. 

Alex: Noted.

—

 

Alex: I have never found myself closer to death than listening to your incessant, wrongful barking, Jefferson. And I have been nearer death than most in my time. 

Jefferoni: A shame you’ve slipped it’s grasp once more. 

Alex: Those sound like fightin’ words, Jefferson.

Jefferoni: I wouldn’t waste half a bullet on your ass, Hamilton. Take your seat.

—

Alex: Has TJeff always been this much of an ass? 

JohnLoverns<3: Of course he has, Love. 

—

** Alex added BetsySky, CommAngelica, Pegster, JohnLoverns<3, Lafbaguette, and Hypeules to the conversation **

**Alex has changed the group name to ‘Hamilsquad’**

Alex: I’VE GATHERED YOU ALL HERE FOR A VERY IMPORTANT ANNOUNCEMENT. 

BetsieSky: wait, hamilsquad? really, alex? 

Alex: yes. because you’re my squad. 

Alex: But that isn’t the point

Alex: I have just witnessed the most magnificent and spectacular event to ever occur in the history of the United States of America

Lafbaguette: if this involves john’s ass in any fashion, i am deleting your number

Alex: Even John’s ass takes second place to this

JohnLoverns<3: hey!

CommAngelica: you don’t need to write us a novel, alex, just spit it out

Alex: TJeff just tripped down the stairs, catapulted himself down another flight, and landed flat on his face. And finally tore that horrendous velvet suit jacket of his. 

Hypeules: are you really one to judge someone’s apparel, Hamilton? 

Alex: Are you arguing that it was horrendous? 

Hypeules: No, but have you forgotten the matching green one you have in the back of your closet? 

JohnLoverns<3: I doubt it, alex was just flaunting it around the apartment the other day  


CommAngelica: I can't believe you and Jefferson have matching suits

Pegster: gaaaaay

Hypeules: no that's you & john, peggy

JohnLoverns<3: you're not wrong

Pegster: fair point

Alex: Okay, they aren't MATCHING. And mine is better. Because it doesn’t belong to Jefferson. And the entire point was I just witnessed his massive wipeout - it was glorious. I could write sonnets about the joy it brought to me. 

Pegster: pls not here alex

Alex: Lavender spirals uplifting my heavy heart… 

Lafbaguette: alex

Alex: ’Tis to misfortune that I find myself float to bliss…

Hypeules: gdi 

Alex: I grow weak as I weep, wet tracks matching your descent down my cheeks…

JohnLoverns<3: alexander, dear, why don’t you just type it out and post it to your blog yeah? 

Alex: That’s a brilliant idea, John. I haven’t posted there in at least 34 hours - I need something new for my followers. 

—

Alex: I’m sorry for laughing at you falling down the stairs. 

Alex: And publishing a poem about it. 

Alex: And sharing that poem with the entire school. 

Alex: And letting it go viral. 

Jefferoni: no you’re not

Alex: No I’m not but Washington said I should apologize. 

Jefferoni: please don’t involve me when you're kissing washington’s ass

Alex: I take back all of my apologies

Jefferoni: fuck you hamilton

Alex: And you, good sir. 

—

Alex: I TRIED TO BE THE BIGGER PERSON

Alex: THERE'S PROOF I TRIED

Alex: BUT HE'S SUCH AN ASSHOLE

Alex: I APOLOGIZED

Alex: I HOPE ALL OF HIS HORRIBLE SUITS SHRINK IN THE WASH AND HE SPENDS THE REST OF HIS DAYS WITH COLD ANKLES BECAUSE HIS PANTS ARE TOO SHORT

Alex: No one needs to be that damn tall anyway 

JohnLoverns<3: Okay, dear, take a deep breath. 

Alex: There's no time for deep breaths, I need to publish another post about how much of an ass Jefferson is. 

JohnLoverns<3: No, you need to back away from all technology and come cuddle in my bed until you calm down. 

Alex: But John! You should have seen what he said! I apologized and he completely blew me off! 

JohnLoverns<3: Come show me. Then hold me. 

Alex: I have to do something to get him back. 

JohnLoverns<3: I'm taking my pants off. 

Alex: ...I can put my revenge on hold. 

 


	2. revenge party

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Alex plots his revenge.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Guess who came back for more? It's me. Still kind of plotless, but some stuff is happening? Anyway, judging by the kudos and comments, I'm assuming you all enjoyed that first bit. I'm vaguely thinking about this advancing into something more, but we shall see about that. Maybe after posting this I'll think on it and see what could happen and turn this into more than just mindless text dumps. If you all would be interested in that?

Alex: I did it. I’ve come up with the perfect revenge. And it involves all of you.

Pegster: wat r u plotting now alex? 

Alex: What happened to your grammar, Peggy? 

Pegster: in class. trying 2 pay attn & txt u 

Alex: There are no excuses for using a ‘2’ rather than writing out the word ‘to’. It’s more effort to hit the keyboard over to the characters and numbers and then hit the ‘2’ than to just type out ’to’. 

Alex: You’re just being lazy, Peggy. The English language doesn’t deserve that. 

Alex: I am offended on it’s behalf. 

BetsySky: Alexander, forget Peggy’s typing. What’s your plan? 

JohnLoverns<3: Why am I almost terrified to hear this? 

Alex: OKAY

Lafbaguette: Here we go… 

Alex: WE ARE GOING TO THROW A PARTY. 

Alex: AND THEN NOT INVITE JEFFERSON. 

Alex: PURPOSEFULLY. 

Lafbaguette: What did Thomas do this time? 

Alex: WHAT DO YOU MEAN THIS TIME? WHAT DOES HE ALWAYS DO, LAFAYETTE? HE’S AN ASSHOLE. HE’S INCONSIDERATE. AND HE IS TOO DAMN TALL. 

Lafbaguette: Is this just you being angry because you’re short? 

JohnLoverns<3: Alex tried to apologize for that sonnet that went viral and Jefferson blew him off. 

JohnLoverns<3: All of that anger just gets bundled up in his tiny body until he explodes. 

Alex: I’m not THAT short, guys. I’m AVERAGE. Jefferson is a GIANT. 

Lafbaguette: He is two inches taller than me, Alexander. 

Alex: You’re also too tall, but we don’t have to get into that. 

Alex: The point was, I’m going to throw a party. And you are all invited. But Jefferson is NOT. 

Alex: And we have to let him know he was pointedly not invited. 

Alex: Are you all in? 

Hypeules: WOO!! PARTAY!! 

CommAngelica: When? Where? Who’s getting the booze? 

Alex: Um. I’ll get back to you. 

Lafbaguette: mon dieu… 

—

Alex: YOU’RE INVITED TO A PUMPIN' HOUSE PARTY AT THE RESIDENCE OF ALEXANDER HAMILTON AND JOHN LAURENS, THIS FRIDAY AT 9 PM. IT’S GOING TO BE THE BIGGEST PARTY OF THE YEAR, IF YOU’RE NOT THERE DO YOU EVEN HAVE A REASON TO EXIST? 

Alex: OOPS. Sorry, wrong person. 

Alex: You’re not invited. 

Alex: Everyone else is. 

Alex: But not you. 

Jefferoni: As if I would attend were I invited. Why would I subject myself to a night in any proximity of you, Hamilton? 

Alex: Well you don’t have to worry about that, Jefferson. 

Alex: Because you aren’t invited. 

Alex: Goodbye. 

—

Hypeules: wat is evry1 doin?

Pegster: netflix & chillin w/ myslf

JohnLoverns<3: hw

BetsySky: Abt 2 get din w/ angie

Lafbaguette: wrk

Alex: RESPECTING THE GODDAMN ENGLISH LANGUAGE UNLIKE YOU INGRATES. WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

Hypeules: jst tlkin alex chill

Alex: WHAT DO YOU HAVE AGAINST VOWELS?

Lafbaguette: clm dwn alex

Alex: VOWELS AREN’T HARD, GUYS. IT IS ONLY A FEW MORE SECONDS OF YOUR TIME.

JohnLoverns<3: 2 mch effort

Alex: JOHN. I HAD SO MUCH FAITH IN YOU.

JohnLoverns<3: sry bb 2 bsy 4 vwls

Alex: I will break up with you.

JohnLoverns<3: no u wnt

Alex: You’re all doing this to spite me, aren’t you?

Pegster: nvr alex

Alex: I’m never speaking to any of you again.

Lafbaguette: pls alex as if u culd stp tlkin 4 1 sex

Lafbaguette: *sec

JohnLoverns<3: 1st 1 wsnt wrng

Alex: You all disgrace this beautiful language.

Alex: I am ashamed to have known you.

Alex: I am ashamed for you.

JohnLoverns<3: alex wat r u typin on ur comp?

JohnLoverns<3: y r u typing so angrily?

JohnLoverns<3: i cn here u from my room

Alex: *HEAR

Alex: THAT ONE WASN’T EVEN HARD TO DO CORRECTLY.

Alex: IT WOULD HAVE BEEN THE SAME AMOUNT OF EFFORT.

Alex: JOHN I AM ASTONISHED.

Pegster: if u post on ur damn blog abt us

Alex: It’s simply going to be a piece on how texting and today’s slang has begun outweighing and insulting the beauty that is the English language as is.

Alex: It’s not about you so much as inspired by you.

JohnLoverns<3: Babe, you’re going to break your keyboard.

Pegster: john u ruined it!

JohnLoverns<3: I think he’s been through enough, Peggy. I seriously believe he is going to break a key off from how hard he’s typing.

Alex: I have a lot of feelings.

BetsySky: jst got thru these. angie almst spit out her milkshake @ alex’s rage

CommAngelica: eliza DID choke on hr fries @ alex’s rage

Alex: You both deserved it for these atrocities.

Alex: Alexander is finished communicating with you lot until you get your lives together and learn to use fucking VOWELS.

Alex: Good day, Squad.

Pegster: squad

— 

Alex: Where are you? 

JohnLoverns<3: Out with Laf & Herc

Alex: Why? 

JohnLoverns<3: Laf bought us tickets to a movie as payback for that time we helped him get his midterm postponed

Alex: Why aren’t you all here? 

Alex: You’re all supposed to be here. 

JohnLoverns<3: Are we? 

Alex: YES. 

Alex: Tonight was my party. 

Alex: The Revenge Party. 

JohnLoverns<3: It was? 

Alex: YES, JOHN. Why didn’t anyone come? 

JohnLoverns<3: … Did you tell anyone, honey? 

Alex: .. I thought I did.. 

JohnLoverns<3: Darling, I don’t think you ever actually told anyone. Laf and Herc had no idea either. 

Alex: I sent it to Jefferson… And then told him he wasn’t invited… 

Alex: I can’t believe I forgot to tell everyone else. 

JohnLoverns<3: Aw, baby, it’s okay. The movie is halfway over, I’ll be home soon. I can even bring the boys and we can still party. How does that sound? 

Alex: Yeah, I guess… 

—

Jefferoni: How was the party, Hamilton? 

Alex: Delete my number. 

Jefferoni: It really seemed ‘pumping’ when I dropped by. 

Alex: Your birth certificate was a waste of paper. 

Jefferoni: It even looked like all of your friends showed up. 

Jefferoni: You know, all none of them. 

Alex: Go shove an entire cactus 

Alex: Up

Alex: Your

Alex: Ass

— 

Pegster: Alex, what was that blog post about? 

Alex: It was clearly about how terrible Thomas Jefferson is and how useless he is to the entire planet. 

Alex: Followed up with what all of that oxygen he’s wasting could be better used for. 

Pegster: What happened? 

Alex: He’s a terrible person. 

Pegster: Alexander, this rivalry with Thomas is going to get you into trouble. 

Alex: He should not have been allowed to leave his mother’s womb. 

Pegster: Alexander. 

Alex: I hate him. 

Pegster: What happened to being the bigger person? 

Alex: I tried. I failed. The horse ran away, so there’s no getting back up and trying again. 

Pegster: I think you should find the horse again and at least try to be civil before this ends up with you in a fight again. Do you remember what happened with Aaron Burr? 

Alex: He. Deserved. That. 

Pegster: And you were in the hospital for nearly a week. 

Alex: HE HAD BACK UP I WASN’T PREPARED FOR. 

Pegster: Don’t put John and Liza through that again. 

Alex: … 

Pegster: Hell yeah, I’m going to guilt trip you if that’s what it takes. 

Alex: … you are the snake of the Schuylers, aren’t you? 

Pegster: Damn straight. 

 

 


	3. fall of the cookies

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Alex tries to apologize, but nothing seems to ever go as planned.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 1, I've implemented a couple new formats in here, just to test it out, see what works and what doesn't. And it appears we may have a lil' bit stirring around in here~ 
> 
> 2, I also headcanon Alex changing the names of his contacts a lot so that's happened. 
> 
> I hope you enjoy!

MyJohn<3 [8:34 AM]: 

Alex where are you? 

[8:35 AM]

I know you get up at ungodly hours but what do you have to do this early? Without even leaving a note? 

[8:40 AM]

… Alex? 

[8:43 AM]

Alexander. 

[8:49 AM]

Alexander Hamilton at least turn on your goddamn read receipts so I know if you’ve seen these or not. 

[8:54 AM]

I swear to god Alexander if you don’t send me so much as an emoji to let me know you’re alive 

Alex [9:01 AM]

** [kissy face emoji] **

MyJohn<3 [9:01 AM]

Where the hell are you? 

Alex [9:11 AM]

** [eye rolling emoji][poo emoji]  **

MyJohn<3 [9:12 AM]: 

What are you doing with Jefferson? 

Alex [9:22 AM]: 

** [see no evil monkey emoji][weary face emoji][burrito emoji] **

MyJohn<3 [9:24 AM]: 

What? Does Peggy even know how to make burritos? 

Alex [9:32 AM]: 

* **[cookie emoji] [clock emoji][cell phone emoji][blue heart emoji]**

MyJohn<3 [9:33 AM]: 

Okay. Be careful. I love you. <3

—

Alex: I NEED APPROXIMATELY THREE GALLONS OF BLEACH. ASAP. 

BetseySky: Didn’t I teach you a better way to remove stains? 

Hypeules: I don’t even want to know what kind of stain you need to remove with that much bleach

Alex: THE STAINS LEFT ON MY MIND AFTER WHAT I JUST WITNESSED

Alex: I CAN’T BE LEFT ALONE WITH THIS

CommaAngelica: What happened?

Pegster: oh no

Lafbaguette: alexander it is not even noon yet are caps necessary? 

Alex: YOU WILL UNDERSTAND AFTER I TELL YOU WHAT JUST HAPPENED TO ME LAFAYETTE

Alex: BECAUSE IT WAS THE WORST THING

Alex: THE ABSOLUTE WORST THING I HAVE EVER SEEN IN MY LIFE AND I USED TO SHARE A ROOM WITH CHARLES LEE

MyJohn<3: Dear god, alex, that brings back stories I never needed to think about again

Alex: OH BUT THIS IS WORSE 

CommaAngelica: impossible

BetseySky: you’ve got my attention 

Alex: So I go to Jefferson’s, right? 

Alex: Peggy and I baked cookies and I was going to apologize

Alex: SO I get there and I knock

Alex: No answer. 

Alex: SO I knock again 

Alex: Nothing. 

Alex: BUT THEN I NOTICE the door is slightly ajar

CommaAngelica: oh no

Alex: AND SUDDENLY I HEAR SOMEONE SHOUT AND IT SOUNDS LIKE JEFFERSON AND I DECIDE THAT SOMEONE MUST HAVE BROKEN IN OR SOMETHING 

Alex: Though I’m still not sure if I went in to offer my assistance against the intruder or to offer my assistance TO the intruder

Alex: But it doesn’t matter because I RUN IN AND FIND THAT THERE IS NO ‘INTRUDER’ AND IT WAS NOT A SHOUT OF DISTRESS

Alex: I will never be able to look James Madison in the eye again

Lafbaguette: wow

Hypeules: sweet jesus

Pegster: oh my god

MyJohn<3: fuckin called it honestly

CommaAngelica: ^^^

Hypeules: i did not need to know jefferson was a sexual being

Lafbaguette: I did

Pegster: LAF

Hypeules: NO

 

Alex: I’m scarred for life

Alex: And I dropped our cookies

Alex: Our sweet cookie babies, Peggy, they’re ruined and they’re scarred and I failed. I’m sorry. 

BetseySky: but did you apologize? 

Alex: what

BetseySky: you went to apologize, did you? 

Alex: NO BETSEY. He seemed a little PREOCCUPIED. I RAN. 

Pegster: i worked so hard on those cookies

—

BetseySky: [ _image attached_ : Close up of Alex’s face illuminated by a screen, eyes teary]

MyJohn<3: What have you done to make my boyfriend cry now? 

Pegster: brb making this my lock screen

CommaAngelica: Eliza and I were trying to distract Alex from The Incident with movies

BetseySky: [ _image attached:_ Alex again, only this time he is covering his mouth and seems to be crying harder]

MyJohn<3: What the hell are you watching??? 

CommaAngelica: We’re literally two minutes into Up

MyJohn<3: MY POOR BABY HOW COULD YOU SUBJECT HIM TO THAT??

BetseySky: He’s literally seen Thomas Jefferson mid-coitus I could never show him anything worse

Alex: Now crying harder at the memory

Alex: THIS IS DISNEY

Alex: AREN’T THESE SUPPOSED TO BE HAPPY? WHAT DREAMS ARE MADE OF? YOU KNOW, HEY NOW HEY NOW? 

Hypeules: are you new to disney alex? 

Alex: yes

MyJohn<3: W H A T 

MyJohn<3: Disney marathon. Tonight. You and me. 

Alex: Are they all THIS sad? 

Hypeules: yes

Alex: NO

MyJohn<3: A L E X

Alex: My chest physically aches and I’ve only seen five minutes of this movie, John. I don’t want to go through this again. 

CommaAngelica: That’s okay. Next up we have Frozen. 

MyJohn<3: NO, I wanna be with Alex when he watches Frozen. At least wait until I get out of class. 

BetseySky: ok fine

Alex: When I said a distraction from The Incident this is not what I meant. 

BetseySky: You can’t always get what you want

Hypeules: BUT IF YOU TRY SOMETIMES

Lafbaguette: YOU JUST MIGHT FIND

Hypeules: YOU GET WHAT YOU NEED

Alex: I didn’t need any of this 

—

MyJohn<3: [ _image attached:_ Alex ugly crying, Angelica is next to him smiling as she pats his head]

Hypeules: Beginning of Frozen? 

BetseySky: yup

Pegster: I want to start a collection of pics of Alex watching Disney movies

MyJohn<3: “That song was so misleading. ‘Do you wanna build a snowman’? Did you mean ‘Do you wanna BREAK MY FUCKING HEART’?”

Pegster: Petition for John to start live tweeting Alex watching disney movies

MyJohn<3: “Why are these people so attractive? I want a threesome with Elsa and Hans right now.” 

Lafbaguette: He makes a fair point

Hypeules: Jesus alex they’re cartoons! 

MyJohn<3: “Tell Hercules to take his kink-shaming ass out of my face.” 

Hypeules: Well looks like you’ve got competition then John 

BetseySky: I have an Elsa costume you can borrow

CommaAngelica: THAT CONVERSATION CAN END HERE

MyJohn<3: “Yo what the hell Elsa? DON’T SHAME YOUR SISTER FOR FALLING IN LOVE.” 

Hypeules: She literally just met him??? 

Lafbaguette: Alexander falls in love at least five times a day why are you surprised that he supports this

MyJohn<3: He tried to propose on our first date

Hypeules: you said no?? 

Pegster: you said NO?

Lafbaguette: and you’re NOT engaged??????

MyJohn<3: It was our FIRST DATE

Pegster: But it’s you and Alex! 

Hypeules: I expected ya'll to tie the knot already tbqh 

MyJohn<3: We have a plan, guys. 

Pegster: A plan?   
  
MyJohn<3: We both finish school, we get started in our respective fields

Alex: We get a home and have a decent, livable income THEN we get married

MyJohn<3: That way we can afford for the moment Alex goes all bridezilla over the wedding

Lafbaguette: I am amazed that Alexander has such patience

MyJohn<3: Me too

Alex: Me too

—  


MyJohn<3: _[video attached:_ The TV screen shows Hans just slipping off his glove, the camera pans over to Alex who is watching with an expression full of rage and shock right before he begins shouting, wiping at the tears in his eyes. “Wh-WHAT? What the _HELL_ , Hans?! I _TRUSTED_ YOU! ANNA TRUSTED YOU, WE WERE ALL ROOTING FOR YOU GODDAMMIT. WHAT A FUCKING PRICK, why would you just use Anna and Elsa for their _KINGDOM_ who the fuck _ARE YOU_? BURN IN HELL WITH YOUR GREAT JAW LINE AND MAGICAL EYES—” John, Angelica, and Eliza start to laugh as the video cuts off. _]_

BetseySky: LITERALLY ROFL

CommaAngelica: BLESS ALEX’S TINY BODY ENCASING SUCH RAGE

Alex: L I V I D 

Hypeules: ‘great jaw line and magical eyes’ 

Alex: DON’T SHAME ME

—

**[poo emoji][sick face emoji]:** alexander I think we need to talk. 

Alex: No Jefferson we don’t we literally never have to speak again

**[poo emoji][sick face emoji]** : we need to talk about yesterday morning

Alex: We really don’t. I’m trying to repress that from my memory

**[poo emoji][sick face emoji]** : look. just don’t tell anyone what you saw okay? 

**[poo emoji][sick face emoji]** : not even your little ‘club’ or whatever. 

Alex: My squad. 

**[poo emoji][sick face emoji]** : yeah whatever. just don’t say anything. 

Alex: Why not? 

**[poo emoji][sick face emoji]** : because i said so. 

Alex: Jefferson I have no reason to appease you. Why would I start now? Especially after having to witness THAT? 

**[poo emoji][sick face emoji]** : you didn’t have to come barging into my apartment, hamilton. 

Alex: I thought there may have been an intruder

**[poo emoji][sick face emoji]** : whatever. 

**[poo emoji][sick face emoji]** : look… i’m a year away from graduating, i’m trying to make a name for myself - get my future in line, you know? i don’t need things like that being spread around about me. 

**[poo emoji][sick face emoji]** : you and laurens may be able to pull that off, be all… out and proud and successful, but it’s not that easy for everyone. so just don’t say anything. or i’ll make your life a living hell. 

Alex: More than you already do? 

**[poo emoji][sick face emoji]** : absolutely. are we clear? will you keep your mouth shut for once? 

Alex: … fine.

Alex: You owe me for the years of therapy I'll need after that

**[poo emoji][sick face emoji]** : i don't owe you shit. get over it hamilton, people have sex. 

—

Alex: Jefferson asked me to keep quiet about The Incident

MyJohn<3: and you're going to???

Hypeules: wait youre doing something jefferson asked you to? 

Alex: Yes, just don't say anything to anyone else. 

Lafbaguette: of course

MyJohn<3: why should we? he's a dick, now we have something against him - something he doesn't want out. 

Alex: Something that we aren't going to use. 

Lafbaguette: what's got our john riled up this evening? 

MyJohn<3: i just don't see why you'd want to do something for him thats all 

Alex: It's my form of apology. 

Hypeules: yo if he ever steps outta line tho we got something

Alex: I guess. Just for now, keep it quiet. 

MyJohn<3: for you. not for him. 

Alex: Also the Schuylers invited us over for dinner

Hypeules: WOOOO

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 3, I also headcanon that Alex has completely made a new language out of emojis that only John has fully caught on to (though I also hc that Lafayette helped him come up with it, so they're probably also pretty fluent in it) which he uses when he's unable to text properly 
> 
> If you wanna hit me up on tumblr you can find me at hypeulesnochilligan.tumblr.com


	4. alexander harlot-ton?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> John learns something new. Lafayette + orgies confirmed.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Not a very long chapter. This is basically a 'I am stressing tf out and need to do something so I wrote this' chapter. [scipiocipher](http://archiveofourown.org/users/scipiocipher/pseuds/scipiocipher) commented about wanting to see those "odes to john's freckles" - which is what inspired the events in this lil' exchange of texts. I'm sorry it's short, and probably not the best. 
> 
> But that being said! This is basically just a lil' texting AU I'm playing around in, so if you have any suggestions, ideas, anything you wanna throw out -- DO IT. I'm open to it.

Pegster: GUYS YOU’LL NEVER GUESS WHAT I FOUND

CommaAngelica: some chill? 

BetseySky: alex’s dignity

Lafbaguette: john’s virginity 

Hypeules: Laf we know where that went. 

Lafbaguette: MY virginity?

Hypeules: now there’s a true mystery

Lafbaguette: one that may never be solved. but i can never truly regret that night. 

BetseySky: uhhhh….? 

CommaAngelica: n o please don’t explain any further

Lafbaguette: ;) 

Pegster: wait i thought alex was your first

MyJohn<3: WHAT?

Lafbaguette: … nope

MyJohn<3: hold on no exCUSE ME? ALEXanDER?

Pegster: oh shit

BetseySky: oh that was the thing john didn't know about wasn’t it

Hypeules: well fuck 

MyJohn<3: LAFAYETTE. ALEXANDER. WHAT?!!

Alex: I can explain. 

MyJohn<3: i”M WAITING

CommaAngelica: oh no he’s gonna write a fucking novel about that night now isn’t he

Hypeules: the lafayette pamphlet

Lafbaguette: i slept with alexander long before the two of you were together. it was a one time thing. 

Lafbaguette: although i must say now that i can, congratulations john. you are a very lucky man. 

Alex: okay, I could have put it better than that. 

MyJohn<3: … how many of our other friends have you fucked, alex? 

Pegster: wait, but guys you never guessed what i found

Alex: well, i never did get Angelica 

MyJohn<3: have you seriously slept your way through this entire group? 

Lafbaguette: does this really surprise you john? 

Alex: I never slept with Peggy either! 

Pegster: BUT GUYS

MyJohn<3: I told you about everyone I’ve been with, but you didn’t bother to tell me you’ve slept with ALL OF OUR FRIENDS? 

Alex: not ALL o f them!

Pegster: ‘Freckled constellations so vast I could melt/Spattering cheeks of lush velvet/Compelling me with sentiment no man’s ever felt’

CommaAngelica: ??

Lafbaguette: oh my god

Hypeules: what? 

Pegster: i found alex’s diary

Pegster: that’s what i was going to say

Pegster: and it’s all just full of poetry and other writing about John

Pegster: there are 5 pages here dedicated to his freckles

Pegster: ‘the way they cascade over rounded cheeks, entrances me. I long to count them, spend hours kissing over even the faintest marks’ 

Alex: Margarita Schuyler, those are private what are you doing and where did you even find that? 

Pegster: saving your ass, that’s what i’m doing

Pegster: and you left it last time you were over here 

Alex: That doesn’t give you permission to go snooping through it? 

Pegster: it’s ok hammy i’m saving your relationship. i just sent like two more pages to john. 

Hypeules: ok we’re not going to alex and john’s today. 

CommaAngelica: goddamn they’re gonna be at it for a while

CommaAngelica: alex does have a way with words

Alex: ty pegs

 

—

 

John: so… you and alex huh…

FrenchFry: it was a long time ago john

John: how long ago? 

FrenchFry: it was very recently after we met

FrenchFry: before you two had even gotten that close

FrenchFry: i’m speaking, maybe a week after we all started hanging out

John: okay… 

FrenchFry: and nothing more. one night. then we decided we shouldn’t do it again. 

John: okay…

John: why was everyone keeping it a secret from me? 

FrenchFry: alex and i kept it a secret for a long time

FrenchFry: but once eliza found out she told peggy and angelica and peggy told hercules

John: okay, but why didn’t anyone tell me? 

FrenchFry: alex was afraid you’d think poorly on him

FrenchFry: and he thought it would ruin his chances of dating you

FrenchFry: so he asked us to all keep it a secret from you

John: okay… 

FrenchFry: now, as much fun as it is to ease your worried soul i have class. maybe you should try actually talking to alex about this. 

John: … okay. thank you, laf. 

FrenchFry: of course, mon amour

 

—

 

Alex: Kitty Livingston. Maria Reynolds. Eliza Schuyler. Edward Stevens. Lafayette. Hercules Mulligan. James Madison. Aaron Burr. That girl I sat next to in French. At least 3 girls at various parties Jefferson has held. John Laurens. 

MyJohn<3: … what? 

Alex: My list. Everyone I’ve so much as drunkenly kissed. In recent enough memory. There were probably a couple more in high school, but as you can see I’ve struggled a fair amount remembering some of these… 

Alex: So… you’re dating a slut. I’m a slut. I get around. I’ve slept with most of those people. I’m sorry. 

MyJohn<3: James Madison? and Burr?? 

Alex: THOSE were drunken kisses. I may be a floozy but I still have standards, John. 

MyJohn<3: did you really just use the word floozy? 

Alex: What would you rather? Whore? 

MyJohn<3: you’re none of those things alex

Alex: Harlot? 

MyJohn<3: Alex. 

Alex: Easy? 

MyJohn<3: Alex I don’t think you’re easy. or a slut, or a whore, or a floozy, or a harlot. I don’t think you’re any of those things. 

Alex: Who else sleeps with that many people? 

MyJohn<3: alex, laf has slept with that many people AT ONCE

Alex: Well, he’s French

MyJohn<3: a l e x a n d e r 

MyJohn<3: were any of those people while we were together? 

Alex: No, of course not! I… I may have messed up with Eliza, and I still regret that to this day, which is why I know I will never make the mistake again. I would never do that to you, John. 

MyJohn<3: okay

Alex: … okay? What does ‘okay’ mean? 

MyJohn<3: it means… okay. 

Alex: … okay, but I can’t read your tone through text message. 

Alex: John, I’m sorry. 

MyJohn<3: you have no reason to be

MyJohn<3: it’s okay, alex

MyJohn<3: thank you

Alex: … for what? 

MyJohn<3: telling me. 

MyJohn<3: and for the record, this doesn’t change how I see you. the laf thing caught me off guard, i knew you were a flirt I just didn’t know that extended into our immediate group of friends. 

MyJohn<3: but it’s okay, because that’s in the past and now I’m ultimately the winner of your affections so really fuck the rest of ‘em

MyJohn<3: figuratively of course

MyJohn<3: since you’ve already done that literally

MyJohn<3: ;P 

Alex: I love you. 

MyJohn<3: And I, you, my love. 

MyJohn<3: now stop biting your nails like you always do when you think i’m upset with you and get to your next class

Alex: You know me so well. 

MyJohn<3: It’s my job to. <3 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Find me on Tumbr: hypeulesnochilligan.tumblr.com


	5. haven't you people ever heard of knocking on the goddamn door?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Secret relationships are revealed and spilled. Alex should really learn to knock.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This will just continue to get more and more crack-y as I go on I'm sure. I wrote half of this drunk, just to see what would happen and then I was okay with it and just wanted to post something so here we are. I hope you all realize I do not take myself even close to serious with this. I hope you enjoy this insanity as much as I do.

MonFrancophile: hamilton told y’all what happened didn’t he? 

Lafayette: I don’t know of what you speak 

Thomas: you’ve been avoiding me all week

Thomas: laf just let me explain

Lafayette: There is nothing you need to explain, Thomas. You can sleep with whoever you want, I do not care. 

Thomas: you’re upset. you only punctuate and capitalize properly when you’re upset lafayette

Lafayette: That’s certainly not true. 

Thomas: it is

Thomas: Lafayette, please

Thomas: madison doesn’t mean anything to me. not like that.

Lafayette: I swear if you say he’s ‘just a friend’

Thomas: he is! 

Lafayette: You don’t fuck ‘just a friend’

Thomas: what about you and Hamilton? 

Lafayette: mon dieu why is everyone bringing that up

Lafayette: he wasn’t ‘just a friend’, he wasn’t even a friend at that point 

Lafayette: we were two hot acquaintances that shared a sexual attraction

Lafayette: now he’s just a friend and I would not think of sleeping with him 

Thomas: laf please

Lafayette: I am not a fool Thomas

Lafayette: I think it best if we didn’t see each other again

* * *

 

**Alex added MyJohn <3 and Hypeules to the group **

 

**Alex changed the name of the group to _mission: find out whats up with laf_**

 

Hypeules: what’s wrong with laf? 

Alex: I don’t know, that’s why I’ve gathered you here today.

Alex: Our dear Lafayette has been acting strange this week, and I think as his closest friends we should find out why. 

MyJohn<3: maybe he’s just stressed? doesn’t he have a midterm coming up? 

Alex: Laf has been acing all his classes. 

MyJohn<3: guy stress? has he been seeing anyone? 

Alex: I don’t think so…

MyJohn<3: that we KNOW of

Alex: Why would we not know if Lafayette was seeing someone? 

Hypeules: his mope does have a kind of break-up vibe

Alex: Guys. 

Alex: We’re his best friends. 

Alex: I repeat, why would we not know if Lafayette was seeing someone? 

MyJohn<3: why would i not know that my best friends slept with my boyfriend? 

MyJohn<3: some things just don’t come up

Alex: .. I’m still so sorry

MyJohn<3: no, i am. that wasn’t meant to make you feel guilty, it was just a point

MyJohn<3: either way, i’ll agree that there is something up with laf

MyJohn<3: but i have a much better way of finding out what it is

Alex: What? 

 

**MyJohn <3 added Lafbaguette to the group **

 

MyJohn<3: Hey Laf, we’ve kind of been worried about you. Is everything alright? 

Lafbaguette: very subtle group naming

MyJohn<3: that’s on alex

Lafbaguette: of course it is

Lafbaguette: i am fine, mes amis there is no need to worry

Alex: Are you sure? You’ve seemed kind of… off lately. 

Alex: If something’s wrong, you can tell us. 

Lafbaguette: nothing, i promise. i am just focusing on midterms, i am perfectly fine

Hypeules: that’s good to hear

Hypeules: why don’t we all go out tonight? 

Alex: Absolutely! 

Lafbaguette: i would love to but i must stay home to study im sorry

Lafbaguette: have fun! 

* * *

 

 

Alex: I don’t buy it. We gotta investigate.

MyJohn<3: Alex I’m sure he’s fine

Alex: Lafayette never turns us down for a night out. Something is wrong and it’s more than midterms and I’m going to figure out what.

MyJohn<3: Alex if he wanted us to know he’d tell us

Alex: Duly noted. 

MyJohn<3: Alex leave it alone

MyJohn<3: alexander 

MyJohn<3: a l e x a n d e r 

MyJohn<3: god dammit 

* * *

 

Alex: J O HN   
Alex: I FOUND OUT

Alex: JOHN I’M FULL OF REGRET

MyJohn<3: what else is new? 

Alex: thIS ISNT THE TIME JONATHAN

MyJohn<3: my name literally isn’t johnathan, alexander

MyJohn<3: we’ve been over this so many times

Alex: IT’S TOO SHORT

Alex: FOR A TIME LIKE THIS

Alex: LAFAYETTE

Alex: AND JEFFERSON

Alex: ARE A T H I N G 

Alex: ????!!!!!!!?????????!!!!

MyJohn<3: WHAT? 

* * *

 

**[poo emoji][sick face emoji]** : maybe you should learn to knock hamilton 

Alex: MAYBE YOU SHOULDN’T FUCK EVERYTHING THAT MOVES

Alex: HOW DID YOU AND LAFAYETTE EVEN BECOME A THING?? 

Alex: I’m stuck more on THAT than having seen your dick one too many times

**[poo emoji][sick face emoji]** : my relationship with lafayette is between myself and lafayette

Alex: Were you two together before the First Incident? 

Alex: Is that the real reason you didn’t want me to tell everyone? 

Alex: Because I caught you cheating on Laf? 

Alex: You cheated on my best friend! 

Alex: You’re even more of an asshole than I originally thought! How dare you?! 

**[poo emoji][sick face emoji]** : i told you why i wanted you to keep it to yourself

**[poo emoji][sick face emoji]** : which you obviously didn’t thanks

Alex: You asked a little late. 

**[poo emoji][sick face emoji]** : whatever hamilton 

Alex: He’s too good for you. 

**[poo emoji][sick face emoji]** : fuck off

Alex: You don’t deserve him, but if you’re actually seriously about this thing you better not fuck it up again because Laf hasn’t been himself this week and I’m assuming it’s your fault. 

Alex: I’ll also make the assumption you two have somehow started to move past that, so if you hurt him again I will show you where my shoe fits, Jefferson. 

Alex: And I still think you’re a piece of shit, but you better be a piece of shit that keeps my friend happy. 

**[poo emoji][sick face emoji]** : I plan to. 

* * *

 

 

MonPetitLion: I’m still sorry about not knocking. 

MonPetitLion: And I still think Thomas Jefferson is next level disgusting and you can do so much better.

MonPetitLion: But if he makes you.. happy, I support you. 

Lafayette: how many of the others have you already told? 

MonPetitLion: … just John. 

MonPetitLion: But to be fair, I was caught entirely off guard and I needed to process. And my processing just happened to be through all-caps texts directed at John. 

Lafayette: it’s okay, mon ami. just don’t tell the others yet s’il vous plaît? 

MonPetitLion: Of course, Laf. Anything for you. 

* * *

 

 

Thomas: so.. how are we?

Lafayette: I’m still upset over Madison

Lafayette: but.. prior to notre petit interruption last night wasn’t going so poorly 

MonFrancophile: oh yeah? 

MonFrancophile: and.. what does that mean for us? 

Lafayette: we may be okay. 

 

* * *

 

Alex: I still can’t believe Lafayette is dating Jefferson like what the hell??? 

My-Riah: i’m sorry WHAT? 

Alex: oh shit

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Come shout @ me on tumblr: hypeulesnochilligan.tumblr.com
> 
> Thoughts, ideas, or suggestions for things you'd like to see? Shout them out. Lemme know. I'll do it. I'll do anything. This is my stress-reliever story. AKA, when I'm losing my mind I start writing a chapter of this.


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